Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Velcrow
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
me linking you to my twitter
*has no idea what a book even is*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.