Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.