Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
constantly working on myself.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.