Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
