Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.