Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Put this video in the Louvre
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!