Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
you stereotypes are all alike
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Well, that didn’t work.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*