Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”