Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Real House Wines.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI