Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Um … Hot Wings please
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.