Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
we did it you guys we saved daylight
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Super Hand Dog Face
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”