Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay