Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I beg you to euthanise me
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
😜
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth