Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.