Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Spotted in the wild
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
What
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?