Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.