Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Great game to play with friends
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog