Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

I love texting my boyfriend

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

hi why am I like this

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.