Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead