Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.