Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine