Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
me hitting on a model
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Hero horse inspires millions
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.