Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
#SuperBowl
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.