Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I’ve been drinking.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
This made me chuckle.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.