Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You Might Also Like
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Danger is very dangerous
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”