Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You Might Also Like
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I try
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong