Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what