Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
how high up are we talkin’?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me driving through Toronto
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry