Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Does it…does it take 3 days
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”