Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Born to be mild.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.