Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.