Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Self-cleaning conscience
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Not today. 😅
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.