Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Ain’t no way
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Just a phase…
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore