Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
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Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm