Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
You Might Also Like
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby