Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?