Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.