Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Golf would be better with landmines.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.