Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.