Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…