most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.