most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
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Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
