Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
bro what is going on at twitter
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.