Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Well well well…
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Icarus loved hot wings.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?