Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Wednesday
Human are so complicated
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket