Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her