Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Cndnsd Mlk

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?