Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*