Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.


If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar


[First Date]
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people
Her: Um…?
Me: No its okay they pay me


temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see


Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.



Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.