Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Good advice.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.