Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.