Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.