Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Is….Is this an option?

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

i will avenge u mr van gogh

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.