I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
he chose this
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*