Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
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Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters