Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.