Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?