Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.