Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
