Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
You Might Also Like
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Bringing back this classic
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My hips? Compulsive liars.