Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Damn he played himself
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My sex drive has a dui
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better