Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
In banana years, I am bread.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?