Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
tell em, edith-anne
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”