“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
you stereotypes are all alike
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.