“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
You Might Also Like
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one