“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[adds another nod to the conversation]