Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Cold.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.