Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Oh we’ve met.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.