Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.