Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I love you…
…r dog.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
🤣
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…