Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
This anagram machine is out of order.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary