Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Dammit Chief not again
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”