Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
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If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.