Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.