Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
You Might Also Like
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
the answer was staring at me all along
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card