Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Man these end times are taking forever
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Camel dough
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Nomnomnomnom
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?