Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
marvel comics have peaked
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Gods work.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.