Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
According to math, I’m broke
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.