Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
![]()
You Might Also Like
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
![]()
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
![]()
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
![]()
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
![]()
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.