Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Animal poetry
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.