Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
