Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
some things should go without saying
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?