Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Saturday
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.