Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security