Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

The Friday File.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe