Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

You’re the water to my grease fire.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time