Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Nice try Hitler

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed