Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.


I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.


Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.


At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.


Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-


I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough


Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.


I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!


Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this


terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth


When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host