@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

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@MAngelo505

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

@AntozWolf

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@ZombieProblms

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@I_am_Lukem

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

@Smartassylassy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

@emilioherce

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

@AndyAsAdjective

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host